FEAR NEEDS ADDRESSING!

Unless you address your fears, allowing God to address your fears, you’ll never recognise them yourself and undoubtedly be trapped in them. [A slightly adapted quote originating in a recorded talk ‘The Passion of God and the Passion Within’ by Richard Rohr, from an excerpt published in his book Radical Grace.]

If I look back with hindsight, it becomes clear that I had to deal with my fears before I could ‘do love’, even try to do the loving thing.

My primary fear for a large part of my life was that I would not be able to manage on my own. Although I have always given my children as the reason for staying so long in a dead-end relationship with their father, the real fear had its root in low self esteem. Of course, it was also true that I could never have left my children while they were at primary school level.

But I was really trapped by my fear. I had bought into the belief that I could not cope on my own. As a married woman it was easy to be sure of the soft place to fall if something turned out wrong. This I had actually experienced.

Eventually I was faced with the clear insight – a matter-of-fact voice saying in my head: “What are you hanging onto? You don’t have a marriage”. Only then did I find the courage to act. I took the first step towards changing, starting to believe in an autonomous, self-sufficient and responsible self.

But after the divorce and living on my own, the refrain would surface at some level, from time to time.

However, I did advance in my career quite successfully. Materially I was able to buy my apartment and later a company vehicle was included in my salary package. The troubling fear did not raise its head very often.

Then everything changed, somewhat ironically with the coming of our new political dispensation. The small company that employed me was under the umbrella of a large corporate company and a decision was taken to reintegrate with the parent company. I knew with little doubt that my situation would change. I would not necessarily be less secure as an employee but that my integrity as a person would be challenged.

One of the main reasons, there were probably several, why new Management were less appreciative of me is because I had a policy of stepping up and voicing the concerns of the then “voiceless” – those who had been previously disadvantaged. I specifically gained as much knowledge about the CCMA and it purpose. I also joined the appropriate Union.

With hindsight and looking at the big picture (which I am not going into at present), it became clear to me with the way management handled and treated me, that fear was the force behind it. This insight gave me a huge injection of power but at the same time caused me to feel sympathy for these men. Nevertheless, this insight did not make the ensuing ‘battle’ any easier.

I am not sure when the whole picture actually fell into place. I am sure that upon recognising Management’s fears, I was compelled to look hard at my own worst fears. I not only faced them but realised, with the grace of God, that I actually had nothing to fear.

This time given to addressing my fears started then with the realisation that the corporate world, as I knew it, was driven by fear. The fear of loss of control, the fear of loss of esteem (because mostly they defined who they were by the company title), all this led to a loss of security which consolidated their fear.

A second disciplinary hearing was brought against me – with charges mostly trumped up. Management were determined to rid themselves of the thorn in their side. But truth and honesty – together with the commitment not to trample on the dignity of others – won finally. Although I experienced victory, my new insight into the workings of the corporate psyche, told me that actually no one really won.

It would not be correct to say that I have lived a fearless life since then but my fears are more easily recognised and hopefully put to good use.

I pointed out at the beginning that fear has to be recognised, and then God allowed in so helping address and transform it, so that one can then fearlessly choose to do the loving thing. Clearly my conviction grew in my dealings with the unsavoury corporate world, that I must never do or say anything that affected the dignity of another person detrimentally. Likewise, I knew I could stand up victoriously defending my own integrity.

Loving all others is simply a commitment to respecting where people stand, not trampling on human dignity; allowing them space to think, feel, believe as they choose and putting space between myself and anyone who refuses or is unable to do the same for me.